Kind folks, after a long period
of careful study and painstaking research, I’ve finally succeeded in
unraveling-at least in part, the inner working of that Twilight Like Zone we
have come to know and sometimes grudgingly love as, “The World Golf Tour (WGT)”.
Now for the first time ever, you can get at least a glimpse into this
confusing and at times downright perplexing universe, which seems to obey no
know law of the normal space-time-continuum.
While I do not in any way profess
to have solved all your problems, or be able to answer all your questions. The following laws may perhaps at least help shepherd
and guide you through the mine field of this special and rather quirky “E” universe. So forewarned with that knowledge and this fair
warning firmly in mind, you may now proceed with complete uncertainty into this
murky world where you can at least for a time, leave all your cares and worries
behind.
The
Rules, or if you will the Laws of golf!
The World Golf Tour way!
Law Number 1: No great shot
will go unpunished! Good shots seem to
be permitted, provided you do not have too many of them in a given round. A great shot however, such as that holed
Eagle from 180 yards out will be penalized harshly at some point during the
round. The severity of the penalty
imposed, being directly proportional to just how good that shot really was.
Law Number 2: First learn, and
understand Law Number 1.
Law Number 3: The normal
laws of the universe do not apply here!
WGT has complete control of the cosmological constant and can control
gravity. In fact, it’s believed by many
that they can actually control space and time.
So please do not be surprised when your ball sales gracefully into the
lake, despite have hit the ding perfectly for the first time in days!
Law Number 4: It is best
before starting any round to take each of your 14 clubs in hand and give them a
hug and tell them just how much you love them.
By religiously practicing this small act of kindness, you can slowly
over time, make friends with your clubs.
They will feel better about themselves and so will you.
Law Number 5: The odds of
your ball ending up in a lake or lost in the weeds are directly proportional to:
how new it is and how much you were
foolish enough to pay for it. Balls
newly purchased and still in their sleeve, seem to be immune to this effect, so
it is strongly advised to leave them alone.
Law Number 6: Your ball
really isn’t round. Oh, sure it looks
perfectly round setting there all gleaming and proud on the tee or setting
there innocently on the green, just 3 feet away from that certain birdie putt. However this all changes the moment the ball
is struck and it mysteriously transforms itself into the shape of an egg and
wobbles by the cup.
Law Number 7: This is really
a continuation to Law Number 6. The
amount of eggeyness, (Is that really a word?)
Seems to be somewhat effected by how much it has cost you. A fairly inexpensive ball such as a WGT SD, or
Srixon seems to be more egg shaped when struck, while a high end Nike of Max
seems to be slightly less affected by this strange deformity. House balls have even been observed to become
square and in extreme cases even triangular when placed in motion, resulting in
some truly astonishing and downright embarrassing misadventures. You deserve this of course for being so cheap
and not getting yourself a decent set of balls.
Law Number 8: Play with your
ball(s) and don’t forget to tell them just how nice they feel in your
hand. Doing this constantly will build
confidence in you balls, resulting in longer straighter drives. It has been my experience that the more love
and attention you shower your balls with, the better they will perform. This attention will also greatly reduce your
balls natural tendency to seek water, or the shelter of tall weeds. It can also keep them from ending up in a
sand trap where those nasty sand crabs like to nip and bite at your toes. You have this coming of course, just because
it happens to be earth day is no excuse for going barefoot!
Law Number 9: This is a
continuation from Law Number 8, but equally important. It is perfectly ok, to play with your balls
in public and if challenged, simply assure you fellow players that you are only
adjusting your keys. I promise you, they
will understand. Maybe, they have just
been waiting the chance to adjust they key chain too!
Law Number 10: Before Teeing
Up your balls, make sure to give them a good kiss, they like this and will give
you enhanced performance. Better still,
lick’em with your tongue, you will be amazed at their response.
Law Number 11: God did not
intend for you to play golf! If he had,
he’d have given your better equipment in the first place. The game was in fact invented by the devil,
as your punishment for some offense in a past lifetime. Why else would your stick be crooked and your
balls egg shaped?
Law Number 12: At some point
during your career you will finally hit that perfect tee shot, in fact you even
managed to hit that all elusive ding square on!
Then as your ball sails away straight and true as it never has before,
rising majestically into the air, yep you got it disaster strikes. Right there before your very, horror filled
eyes and to your total and utter dismay, your ball strikes a migrating Canadian
goose dead in the head, killing the poor creature instantly!
It is now and only now, that the
normal laws of gravity apply here and your ball and freshly slain bird fall
like a stone to the ground. Dismayed and heartbroken, you at least figure
that dinner is on the table for tonight, but no guess again, that score card is
not a hunting license my friend, oh no!
You must return your Ill-gotten fowl to WGT. How do I return it you may ask, well my friend,
you must contact the WGT Customer Support Staff and they will tell you exactly
where to stick it! Then upon receipt; the ever vigilant and helpful WGT Staff will
be more than happy to cook your goose for you!
Law Number 13: Why your
meter is not really broken. This is due
to a little known and totally misunderstood concept I’ve come to call the “Tickle
Factor”. What the heck is that
you may ask? Well my friends, it is a
deeply embedded, totally random program algorithm within the WGT program. This is a designed and well thought out
feature to provide each and every player a sort of much needed mental goose as it were every once in a
while. Some of you, like me, may
experience it more frequently than others.
This is because WGT knows us and, all our intimate feeling and thoughts
so well, and has therefor determined that you and I need special attention and additional
stimulation on a continuing basis. So
enjoy!
Law Number 14: Why buying
new clubs today, or any day is a bad idea.
Let’s face it folks, we all like to get the latest and greatest clubs we
can, but buying now is a bad idea and here is why. For just as sure as little green apples, two
days after you get that shiny new 4500 credit set of clubs, yep you guessed it,
WGT will release something new and improved.
So be patient and save up those credits.
Law Number 15: Upgrading
your computer equipment is useless. Only
after having squandered countless sums on a new, faster computer, you will come
to fully appreciate this immutable rule.
Even upgrading your ISP with the faster connection speed known to man
will give you no peace. How can this
possibly be true you may well ask? Well
my friend you did not fully read and understand Law Number 11. Please go back and study it again and pay
special attention to the “Tickle”, factor.
Law Number 16: Reaching the
ultimate goal. Finally after perhaps
years of struggle and sacrifice, you’ve made it all the way to the top of the
heap. Congratulations, you’ve made it to
the Legend Tier and for those truly determined souls, Tour Legend. It is only at this stage that you notice the
full extent of your physical and mental degeneration. Your friends (those few that you still have
left that is) tend to keep a respectful (or, is that fearful) distance whenever
you are around, especially if you have a club in your hand.
Law Number 17: You will
become completely addicted to the game. After
a period of time, you tend to develop the following symptoms; such as tending
to drool a lot. You will start to mumble
incoherently, causing your loved ones to seriously consider having you
committed for your own safety. In time,
your eyes will become bloodshot and permanently form into a narrow squint from
the many hours of starring into the video screen, where that special world of
yours resides. Your mouse hand will
become deformed and you clicker finger arthritic, aching constantly from the millions
of clicks it has endured over the years.
You go without eating properly, sometimes going for days subsiding only
on boloney sandwiches and beer. Your
family and spouse seem to no longer recognize you when you make one of your
ever increasingly rare appearances. In
some instances the children will point at you and ask who that strange individual
is, while others rush with the camera to take creature sighting pictures of you,
just to prove that you really still do exist to the neighbors who may be
wondering you were buried under the house.
Law Number 18: You will
never learn your lesson! Despite having
experienced the results all of the previous and their repercussions, they will
have no effect your determination to play just one more round. So no matter how downtrodden you have become,
no matter no bitter and increasingly belligerent you may be you will continue
to suffer on. So pick up your bag my
friend, hug your clubs, talk and play with your balls, because after all is
said and done! You are a golfer!
Hope you all enjoy this little fun post!
Phil