WGT-NEWSLETTER .
1 – WGT will be introducing spikemarks and pitchmarks on greens to keep playing averages higher . Maybe even a black hole or two and a cow grazing . Please refer to her as susan . She can be seen standing in a puddle of her own making .
2 - WGT after consultation with members will be selling balls with less dimples . We ask members to exhale [ or is it inhale ] to exercise their full potential . These dimple balls are exported from Germany by a company called hookinfucker.
3 – Wgt apologises to all players who are unable to invite friends or are encountering bugs . This is not our fault . The earths rotation mixed with global warming are being altered by the golf gods .
4 – Once again we are sorry for the sand in some bunkers . It is too fluffy,white and sandy . And we know the greens are too green . The blades of grass only stand up after 10am [ Asian time ] when the average temperature hits 16 degrees Fahrenheit . The grass grows quite quickly then so taking too long in a four ball over a putt will slow the ball down especially if there happens to be a full moon And remember ..Dung in a bunker is a natural object and may not be removed unless it is your own .
5 – Kangaroos and alligators sunbathing on greens will invoke the take a mulligan rule but only if the animals are closer than 10 feet . We then invite you to shoot them .
6 – In the future our balls need to grow and will be uneven and soft .
7 – WGT have future plans . They include stopping the birds chirping and the crowd clapping and instead have them coughing and farting and shouting – get off that f_ckin tractor .
8 - To increase profits wgt will be selling golf ball retriever equipment for the water hazards . The octopus golf ball retriever brings up as many as 1 in 4 lost balls . You attach it to a rope ,fit a net , throw it in the centre of the lake and pull . This is best done in the middle of the night to save embarrassment .
The starter balls should be referred to as rocks and be sold for 50%less than others .
9 – We will also sell novelty balls .These will have the avator picture of your friends stamped on them . Suggestions for slogans are encouraged . What about ,
1- If you found this golf ball you are worst than me .
2- this is not your ball .
3- This ball is broken .
4- Male escort service. Phone -----
5- Return to bar for free drink.
6- This ball will explode in 3 . 2. 1.
7- Your choice.
10 –WGT is not a feminist . We invite all female golfers to love their men by saying ,
1- I love it when you play golf on Sundays.
2- I make enough money . why don,t you retire .
3- I would much rather watch you play golf than go shopping .
4- Forget that stupid valentines day thing . just you buy another driver .