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LET'S BE HONEST

Mon, Feb 27 2017 4:33 PM (2,573 replies)
  • craigswan
    31,866 Posts
    Sun, Mar 6 2016 12:49 PM

    A man goes into a bar with a cat and a heron and orders  two pints of beer for himself and the cat, and a glass of wine for the heron.

    “That’ll be £9.20” says the barmaid

    “You get these heron” says the cat. So the bird pays.

    A little later they order another round and this time the cat says to the man “Your round mate”. So the man pays up.

    The three stay at the bar all night drinking heavily, but never once does the cat pay for a round, always having an excuse.

    Eventually the bemused landlord cannot contain his curiosity any longer and asks the man what he’s doing with a cat and a heron.

    “Well” says the man, “my fairy godmother appeared to me last week, and told me she would grant me one wish. I think she must have been having a bit of a joke with me though, because this wasn’t what I had in mind when I asked for a tall bird with a tight puss y.

     

  • craigswan
    31,866 Posts
    Sun, Mar 6 2016 12:55 PM

    A golfer is suffering very badly from severe headaches, dizziness and spots before his eyes so goes to see his doctor.

    “I’m sorry to say” said the doctor “that you have got an infection in your testicles and unless you have them removed the symptoms will spread”

    Unwilling to accept this diagnosis the golfer consults two other doctors but they both give the same opinion. So resigned to his fate, he has both his testicles removed.

    Some days later, in an effort to cheer himself up he decides to go shopping. “At least I can look good even if I don’t feel good”, he thinks to himself. So he visits the most exclusive gentlemen’s outfitters in town.

    “Ah yes” said the tailor, without getting out his tape measure “You’re a 34 inch waist, 32 inch inside leg and 15 inch collar size.”

    “Goodness me, that’s very impressive” said the golfer “How can you be so accurate?”

    “Years of training Sir” replies the tailor “I also know that you are a 40 inch chest, take size 11 shoes and wear medium sized underpants.”

    “Absolutely correct” said the golfer “except for the underpants. I take a small size.”

    “Then may I suggest that you change your size, Sir, otherwise you’ll eventually start to suffer from severe headaches, dizziness and spots before your eyes.”

  • ct690911
    7,205 Posts
    Sun, Mar 6 2016 1:04 PM

    paddywack:

    WHY.DO.THEY.TAKES.OURS.BALL.OUT.OF.PLAY.WOULD.BE.FUNNY.TO.A.PGA REF.COME.AND.TAKE.ABALL..AWY FORM A TOUR.PLAYER .....I don't mind at all loosing ball.through.my own.crappy.play.but.for.WGT.JUST.TO COME AND TAKE BALLS THAT WE PAY FOR IS (((STEALING OUR MONEY ARE WE GOING TO PUT UP WITH THIS )))).they need to change that part of the game..JUST a thought I don't like being ROBBED

    Copious amounts of alcohol were clearly consumed prior to this ^^^^ post...I suggest the hall monitors just let it go.

    EDIT: Paddy just informed me that he scribed this eloquent prose completely sober. I apologized to him for thinking he was drunk.

  • Romax
    1,876 Posts
    Sun, Mar 6 2016 1:35 PM

    Well......since Craig seems all alone trying to lighten up the moodiness here, I'll give it a shot.

     

    This guy walks into a bar and sits down on a barstool. When the bartender asks what he wants, he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny little guy maybe about a foot tall. The bartender is in awe as the little guy runs around on the bar.

    He says.....Wow that is so cool. Then the guy pulls out a tiny little piano and the little foot tall guy sits down and starts playing.

    Of course the bartender is now really freaking out and asks ...where on earth did you get him ?

    For a 3rd time the guy reaches in his pocket and pulls out an old lamp he says to have found on the beach, and when he rubbed it a genie appeared and granted him one wish.

    The bartender is now completely out of control and asks if he can try it. The guy agrees and  all of a sudden one million ducks appear in the bar all quacking like crazy.

    The bartender says.....WTF ? I asked for a million bucks,so I guess your genie is hard of hearing huh ?

    The guy rolls his eyes and says...No chit Sherlock. Do you really think I asked for a 12 " pianist ?

     

    Sorry Renn...... Just trying to get people to mellow a little here.         R

  • fatdan
    3,379 Posts
    Sun, Mar 6 2016 1:49 PM

    ct690911:

    Dan, I do appreciate the research and number crunching you did, although isn't your post also "off topic"??. (never mind...some folks get defensive and angry when the obvious is pointed out).

    Your selective reading might be the reason you missed the fact that I pointed that out early in my own post!

    ...to my point, were you provided a rule book, or a list of suggested formats to base your conclusion on?. 

    There are thousands of books on etiquette however I didn't reference any of them, in fact no books at all! I used something I learned before I was even old enough to drink legally, "Common F'n Sense"

    Anyway, If I am one of the "culprits',

    I'm sorry, was there ever any doubt?

    pdb1:

      I have read back through the pages . Why do you not mention the half dozen at least perpetrators of vulgarity , denigration etc ? Completely off the charts . Your biased report only reflects a very narrow view of the pages within . 

    Which brings this statement to mind, "If you don't see the problem, most likely you are the problem"

    Nothing else to say but will keep count for you since I have gone this far, please carry on making fools of yourself...and a big "THANK YOU" from everyone here, this thread somehow survived the occasional disruptions and was always an interesting read, that is until you 2 decided to become the stars of the show...why are you even back here, the heat get to strong in that other stupid f*king thread you started or just not getting enough attention!

     

     

  • paddywack
    45 Posts
    Sun, Mar 6 2016 2:34 PM

    don't.drink.fool

  • ct690911
    7,205 Posts
    Sun, Mar 6 2016 2:34 PM

    Interesting Dan, I read one post in this thread where a person had a complete melt down and screamed obscenities at the top of his lungs...kids might even read this stuff, but nary a peep from you...I guess that post was "on topic"...(just common F'n sense, right?)..or perhaps you weren't on monitor duty that night.

    Dan, If you don't like what people post, then don't read them. If you wanna act like a chithead, then expect the same courtesy in return...at least from me.

    PS:. I have no idea what sets you off, I'm just thankful not to be one of your pets, kids or wife. 

    ct

  • ct690911
    7,205 Posts
    Sun, Mar 6 2016 2:37 PM

    paddywack:

    don't.drink.fool

    soz..was giving you the benefit of the doubt. 

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