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The Joke Thread...

• JFidanza 1,676 Posts

  Mon, Aug 3 2015 12:13 PM

  Don't be surprised if it lips out of the hole (rimshot)

• alosso 21,072 Posts

  Mon, Aug 3 2015 12:50 PM

  
  Marriage madness:

  One day my wife inquired, "If I died, would you remarry?"
  I said, "Maybe."

  She asked, "If you did get married, would you let her wear my mink coat?"
  I said, "Maybe."

  She asked, "Would you let her wear my diamond ring?"
  I said, "Maybe."

  She asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
  I said, "No, I would never let her do that!"
  She said, "Why not?"
  I said, "She's left handed."

• craigswan 31,824 Posts

  Tue, Aug 4 2015 1:58 PM

  A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident.... .

  The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

  The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.

  "No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.

  "Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".  I think her name is allie .

  The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"

  Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"

  To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

• bubbsboy 6,879 Posts

  Tue, Aug 4 2015 3:17 PM

  Two fellas sitting on a hill overlooking a graveyard watching 4 pall bearers walking around for 20 minutes carrying a coffin,

  One fella turned to his mate and said "see them in that cemetary, are they crazy or summit"

  His mate replied "yeah, i think they`ve lost the plot"

• jmath1949 8 Posts

  Tue, Aug 4 2015 4:04 PM

  you want a joke?????  WGT

• craigswan 31,824 Posts

  Wed, Aug 5 2015 12:29 AM

  What's blue and not very heavy?

   

  LIGHT BLUE .

• WildBillbakerhil 80 Posts

  Wed, Aug 5 2015 6:12 PM

  This guy is having headaches that he can't stand, so his wife sends him to the doctor. 

  The Doc gives him a thorough exam and can find nothing wrong with the guy, so he gives him a pill to take. After a short time the headache ceases, so the Doc writes him a prescription for the pills. He stops by the pharmacy and pays $250 for the pills.

  On the way back home he is feeling so good that he decides to treat himself to a new suit. He stops by the tailor and tells him what he wants. The tailor looks at him and says, "You wear 36 x 31 trousers, and a 46 regular jacket." 

  The guy says, "Wait just a second. I wear 32 x 30 trousers and a 44 regular jacket."

  The tailor says, "I have been in this business for 45 years and I know you don't wear 32 x 30 trousers. If you did it would cram you *** up into you body and give you the damnedest headaches you ever felt." 

• craigswan 31,824 Posts

  Fri, Aug 14 2015 3:39 AM

  BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

• Shok30 891 Posts

  Fri, Aug 14 2015 4:40 AM

  giraffe walks into a bar and says "hey the high balls are on me!"

• bubbsboy 6,879 Posts

  Fri, Aug 14 2015 5:16 AM

  My wife arrived with a new dress today, tried it on and said "what ya think".  "ooo ya knickers are coming down", i said, she looked and said "no they not"

  I  said "well the fookin dress is going back"