Tech spec for you SM.
Step ashore and look left, you should see a group of rocks that look like a submarine. With your back to the rock that feels like a striggle if you rub your back on it, take 134 paces (my size paces obviously) until you can smell ragwort, which grows in abundance on the edge of the beach here.
You will probably see where I have walked through the ragwort by looking at the bent stems. Walk through carefully, you oughtn't really break them. From here you can see a path snaking into a stand of trees which drape sorrowful branches low enough to brush the very tip of a west African medicine mans head dress so that he might have to crouch, although I manage to walk beneath them without contact. Beware of the bee that I have encountered twice here, he isnt angry, but one must remember that aerodynamically a bee cannot fly so if he was to find out about this, he might take umbrage and sting you from outrage. If he does, you need to carefully remove the barb without harming him, which is possible but if you are cack with your hands you will kill him because a bee only can sting once as a last resort. Make sure you have a small saucer of sugary water with you if this happens so that you can allow him to rest and recover. Following this, say sorry in abject manner, because his wife is a Queen and she could easy bite big chunks out of any part of your anatomy.
The path steepens here and in summer when jogging, you can raise a glow and your dog will be trying to pass you with his snout to the ground because of the badger pore hereabouts on account of their nearby holt. The footway goes into a small but dramatic declivity here which always reminds me of the middle part of the path up to Scafell Pike from the Wasdale head side. Upon reaching the zenith you will be rewarded with the most splendid of vistas to your Sierra encompassing as it will, a large and to my mind, the most scenic part of the English Channel incorporating the magnificent Start Point in the furthermost distance. Should the weather be dismal I cannot guarantee all of this to you, but I will heartily recommend it nonetheless.
You will now be at the junction of my private beach access path and the carraige drive and so I would ask that you adopt a baronial posture here should you espy any members of the public who might have strayed from legitimate pathways and order them off without redress, and possibly with vigour, since some of the local ruffians do tend to tarry far longer than is to my liking. It is perfectly fine to do damage to these oiks, I am told that there are lots and lots of them and that no one will miss one or two, which I hope is true since I myself have dispatched a fair number whilst accidently discharging various weapons in their general direction. Lambert usually pitches the remnant of such inadvertant actions over the cliff just to your left. We call that place Trespass Leap.
Not far now brave heart, yet I urge that you make good your pace whilst at the same time preserving energy since some have said that what follows is significant by its very lack of ease.
My drive lies hidden behind a gated portway and it is to here you must arrive, before ever proceeding beyond. Have a look into the stone wall behind the blackthorn and protected by bramble which is viscious beyond compare. This will take some vim and will require a stoutness of character since you have to be prone in order to reach this secret spot and indeed blind to your finger fumbles while at the same time your abdomen will be richly assaulted by the red ants whose colony you will now by lieing atop of. With your unsighted fingers, remove the two reddish stones and one pebble from the wall, to discover behind a little cavity in which you will find a small red silk wrap containing my welcome visitor charm. This is made up from a black cohosh root entwined with betany strands and sprinkled with lavender oils and if worn about your neck will protect you from flying bats primarily, but also will grant you welcome once you cross my threshold. You may keep this token and might, if you later place it in a hip pocket of your most used trousers and drape them over the back of an oak chair at night, gain benefit from its secondary power, which protects against bed wetting.
Once you have found the charm, all I ask is that you now replace the two reddish stones and the pebble just as you found them. You will find two pieces of calico cut delicately into tiny strips hung on the lower branches of the blackthorn. I have suffused these with melon juice and you should drape these over each ear to ward off the red ants, who will immediately evacuate from your person, although their sting will still pain you for a short while.
Enter through the gate and duck hard right immediately, keeping very low. No, lower, the trajectory of the recessed bolt arrows is set at 4 inches (English inches). Do not be alarmed (unless you are hit, then you actually are in trouble). Although they make a fearful racket as they ricochet wildly around you, their velocity is severely diminished following impact with anything, just pray that that anything, is not you.
You are now free to walk steadily onward toward the buildings which as yet, you will be unable to see. However you will know you are in the right vicinity due to a large Black dog (He's a puppy really) who will come to greet you. You will know he is my dog because he will be firmly attached to your forearm, it doesnt matter which one since he is not particularly fussy. If he growls whilst clamping you thus, this merely means he wishes to play, its a sort of greeting really, and rarely does it draw very much blood. However, if he snarls then I suggest you submit by rolling over on your back and whimpering piteously, he will take this as a sign of submission and your end will be fairly quick. He likes hearts and sweetmeats. Not always in that order.
If I am at home at this point I will eventually send Lambert out, suitably armoured about the forearms, to retrieve my welcome charm.
I hope this helps.
Lizzie xx