Scene: A busy TSA
checkpoint at DFW airport. A weary TSA agent, JOHN, stands before a confident
yet suspicious passenger, MR. BAXTER.
JOHN: Sir, do
you have any inappropriate items in your baggage?
MR. BAXTER: No
is a complete sentence.
JOHN: Okay, but
do you have any weapons, explosives, or prohibited substances?
MR. BAXTER: No
needs no justification.
JOHN: I
understand that, but I still need a clear answer. Are there any sharp objects,
liquids over 3.4 ounces, or anything that might be considered dangerous?
MR. BAXTER: No
stands on its own.
JOHN: Right. But
for security purposes, I have to confirm. Are there any firearms, flammable
materials, or unauthorized electronics in your bag?
MR. BAXTER: No
explanation required.
JOHN: I’m not
asking for an explanation, sir. Just a yes or no.
MR. BAXTER: A
simple no is enough.
JOHN: (Rubbing
temples) Okay, sir. So that’s a no to all of the above?
MR. BAXTER: No
means no without an asterisk.
JOHN: Fantastic.
But I still have to do my job here. One last time, do you have anything at all
that might be considered inappropriate or dangerous in your baggage?
MR. BAXTER: I
don’t owe you an explanation for no.
JOHN: (Sighing)
You also don’t owe me a headache, but here we are. Final answer, do you or do
you not have anything in your bag that violates TSA regulations?
MR. BAXTER: No
is not the start of a debate.
JOHN: Sir, I am
five seconds away from sending you to secondary screening.
MR. BAXTER:
Declining doesn’t require details.
JOHN: (Calling
over another officer) Bob, we’ve got a philosopher over here. Take him for a
bag search.
BOB:
(Approaching) What’s going on?
JOHN: He refuses
to directly answer if he’s carrying anything inappropriate.
BOB: Sir, just
tell us … do you have a live, unrestrained squirrel in your carry-on?
MR. BAXTER:
(Pause) No is a boundary, not an invitation for negotiation.
(A small
chittering noise emerges from his bag.)
JOHN: (Deadpan)
Sir.
MR. BAXTER: Hypothetically,
what if it was a service squirrel?
BOB: Step this
way, sir.