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Re: Learning to Let Go of the Pain of Love

• 43 Posts

  Tue, Feb 8 2022 6:29 AM

  Letting go...why is it so hard?

  Of all the human endeavors we all face, letting go is arguably the most challenging.

  Some people find letting go of careers, belongings, and even money as the some of the most troubling events in their life. For many, the loss of "glory days" drive people to live in the past, dooming their present and future to a lingering reminiscent pain of missing what they perceive as the best days of their lives.

  And then there is the pain of letting go of relationships: break-ups, divorce, severed friendships, sibling divides...and the loss experienced when someone passes from this life. For me, the inevitability of the death of a loved one is the greatest pain. Even though we all know no one gets out of here alive...the pain we suffer in the death of those we love is no less a challenge to let go of.

  As I reflect on loves lost, I understand it's obvious where the pain originates...in love. What brings us the most joy has a dark side. We do not want to let go of love. Letting go of love...the love shared with another person...reveals what is inherent in the act of love, flipping the coin on love to the other side: pain. 

  We cannot live fully without love. Yet, love brings pain. What must we do? If pain is truly the dark, shadowy side of love, is the answer to accepting the most heartfelt losses in life to learn to let go of the pain...remembering the love? Is this the lesson we must learn? We do not let go of love...we let go of pain?

  Yes...I must learn to let go of the pain of love.

  As the yin and yang of life painstakingly persists, pain and love truly go hand in hand. Ultimately, you cannot have one without the other. Some people think hate is the opposite of love. But it is not...it is pain. And another paradox appears--the people who will likely inflict the most pain in your life are the people closest to you. How could this be? The people who love you the most will hurt you the most?

  The people you love have more opportunity to inflict pain. They are not perfect--as neither are you and me. They are human--and humans do hurtful things. Proximity and familiarity offer more chances for the pain of love to be felt.

  I see my two beautiful, healthy baby girls--and I know someday they too will be responsible for or part of my greatest pains. And knowing that someday I will be gone and they will be on their own...motherless...is a pain in and of itself. 

  Yet...that does not matter. I love them...more than any pain--real or imagined. 

  My husband said last night he realized he has "an expiration date." Despite his relatively young age, his remarkable health, his work constantly reminds him we all have a time...a time we must obey. 

  If you've read this far and think, "Wow...Jessica is really depressed," I am not depressed. All of this--from expiration dates to the pain of love reminds me that right now...this moment...is all we are given. In this dark truth is hope. There are no promises for brighter tomorrows--we have this moment, the eternal now, to find our way, our path in our love...and our pain. 

  I've seen many people in my 33 years of life practice pain-avoidance by attempting to be indifferent to love. A cold, calloused perspective may seem to offer protection--but it will fail...in the end. These people attempt to avoid pain by refusing to give themself to love. They refuse to taste of the sweetness of love...thinking they will avoid the pain of letting go...of love lost. And it never, ever ends well with this effort.

  Of all the pain I can imagine, this is the worst. To never love...to never share our life...that is the most horrific pain. Indifference to love equates to pain...without love.

  I write this as a reminder for me--a reminder to live...to love...and to understand...and accept...the pain of letting go. And, understanding that what I need to let go of is not love...but the pain. It remains my greatest lesson to learn...and accept.

  Peace and blessings,

  Jessica 

• ct690911 7,205 Posts

  Wed, Feb 9 2022 5:35 PM

  Hi Jessica;

    Your post was certainly deep for a golf site. Not necessarily misplaced, just not what is the normal fare.

    I was a soldier for 33 years (as long as you have been alive). I did 3 tours. 1 during the Balkans war, and 2 tours of Afghanistan. I obviously experienced much more than these 3 things, but tours to war zones focusses the mind and the body like nothing else can. After a fire fight, this is when the poet, the philosopher and the fatalist in each of us comes out.

    I lost many friends, but I ensured the other side lost more. That was my job. It was important I remained somewhat calloused to be effective and survive while doing the job. I never thought about grieving, or the importance of properly letting go. I have paid a heavy price for internalizing everything. I can no longer drive a car, deal with stress (partly why I stopped playing this "relaxing" game), or go anywhere near crowds. No malls, grocery stores, restaurants, theatres, etc.

    I have read your wall posts and know you are a cancer survivor (no stress there, right?!). I feel badly that a young lady such as yourself had to go through that, but I'm pleased that you are now well.  

    I don't think many people contemplate mortality when they are young. I'm pretty sure this insidious disease had something to do with your very mature insight and approach to life.

    I agree with the points articulated in your post. I am older than you and have experienced more of life than you... but I want you to know that your viewpoint at 33 is my viewpoint at 60..You just got there a lot quicker.

  Take care of yourself and your family. In the end, it's all any of us have.

  ct

• Tiewaz 1,281 Posts

  Wed, Feb 9 2022 6:55 PM

  JessicaOfCourse:

  Letting go...why is it so hard?

  People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

  When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

  Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

  When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

  LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

  — UNKNOWN AUTHOR

• garyk49 2,327 Posts

  Wed, Feb 9 2022 7:55 PM

   

   For me, the inevitability (no, it's the actuality) of the death of a loved one is the greatest pain.

   

  Words don't really describe what you will go through.  It's a lot harder then you can imagine. 

  I speak from experience.

  Fitting title for a post tho.

• 43 Posts

  Thu, Feb 10 2022 6:42 AM

  Thank you so much for sharing your journey!

  My cancer diagnosis happened when I was a senior in college--I had a swelling on my neck and after lots of tests it was a thyroid nodule but the fine needle aspiration biopsy showed the tumor wasn't cancer. But the size of the nodule and its fast growth was putting pressure on my esophagus, struggling to swallow and my voice was very gravelly, so a surgeon in Dallas said it was time to remove it. I balked at first--but then I gave in. My entire thyroid was removed and the samples they took said it was an aggressive form of papillary thyroid cancer. I followed the surgery with two radiation treatments. Since then I've bee cancer clear--but I remain on syntheic replacement daily meds that suppress the cancer and attempt to replace the natural hormones. It causes a lot of issues--mine has tended to be altering between hyper and hypo active patterns where weight loss and weight gain and the consequences make the challenge (despite cancer-free) an ongoing struggle. But I know I am so fortunate to have had a great surgeon and over the past 11 years several excellent endocrinologists!

  This experienced gave me a much different perspective about everything! And, while cancer takes so much away it also teaches valuable lessons. I've tried to treat it as a self-study from physical health to mental health to emotional health. I've tried to share my story for those interested. I know this is a golf forum but I've had many different people extend outreach seeing my profile. They typically, too, are cancer survivors and I've developed some very wonderful friendships from this silly, frustrating time-wasting game. lol 

  Thank you again for giving your time--and thank you for your service in risking your life for the benefit of so many others! 

  Wishing you and yours all the best in health, happiness, love and peace, Jessica

• 43 Posts

  Thu, Feb 10 2022 6:45 AM

  Tiewaz:

  JessicaOfCourse:

  Letting go...why is it so hard?

  People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

  When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

  Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

  When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

  LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

  — UNKNOWN AUTHOR

  That is so lovely!!! And so true! Thank you for sharing...as it says, everything for a reason--the cause and effect of life! Wishing you all the best life offers in every season, love and blessings to you and yours, Jessica

• 43 Posts

  Thu, Feb 10 2022 6:54 AM

  garyk49:

   

   For me, the inevitability (no, it's the actuality) of the death of a loved one is the greatest pain.

   

  Words don't really describe what you will go through.  It's a lot harder then you can imagine. 

  I speak from experience.

  Fitting title for a post tho.

   

  Thank you, Gary, for sharing. 

  Yes, the reality, actuality, inevitable conclusion to every person places a heavy burden on trying to articulate the experience of the pain associated with losing a loved one. 

  I've lost several--my grandmother being one that truly was a suffocating, seemingly endless pain. Time heals somewhat, but the pain is there. And, I try to practice focusing on the love--the times I had with her and the love she offered me and we shared--as the focal point. It does help to minimize, deflect and somewhat mute the pain of loss. 

  As you write I can feel the pain--and I thank you for sharing your very honest reality. Holding this type of pain of loss in creates an internal maelstrom (something I've experienced with the loss of a dear friend from high school) that feels like, for me, being emotionally devoured from the core of my being. 

  I'm a cancer survivor, and this too has reminded me of the inevitable and undeniable reality you mention--no one gets out of this life alive. 

  And with that reality I've tried to articulate a practice, a way I've tried that may or may not help others, but it has helped me. Letting go of the pain by remembering the love many times is my only way to deal with the loss of love. 

  Wishing you all the best in life, in health, in finding true peace, and again, I offer much gratitude in sharing your journey and experiences, love and blessings, Jessica

   

• garyk49 2,327 Posts

  Thu, Feb 10 2022 9:48 AM

  JessicaOfCourse:

   

  Thank you, Gary, for sharing. 

  Yes, the reality, actuality, inevitable conclusion to every person places a heavy burden on trying to articulate the experience of the pain associated with losing a loved one. 

  Thank You.

• el3n1 4,502 Posts

  Thu, Feb 10 2022 4:17 PM

  Your post reminded me that just like many things - we can all process, manage, and experience loss differently.  

  That said, it reminded me of the account shared by CS Lewis regarding the loss of Joy, whom he met later in his life and was reflected on in " A Grief Observed."

  The key thing I picked up from that which also seems to echo in your reflections - is that the pain or grief observed is very much a reflection of the Joy or Love shared.

  It is in some ways - more painful or sad - if we don't experience some form of grief or pain at the passing of a loved one or others we know well.  So - maybe our lives are meant to be full of both Joy / Love as well as grief / pain.

• 43 Posts

  Sat, Feb 12 2022 11:25 AM

  el3n1:

  Your post reminded me that just like many things - we can all process, manage, and experience loss differently.  

  That said, it reminded me of the account shared by CS Lewis regarding the loss of Joy, whom he met later in his life and was reflected on in " A Grief Observed."

  The key thing I picked up from that which also seems to echo in your reflections - is that the pain or grief observed is very much a reflection of the Joy or Love shared.

  It is in some ways - more painful or sad - if we don't experience some form of grief or pain at the passing of a loved one or others we know well.  So - maybe our lives are meant to be full of both Joy / Love as well as grief / pain.

  I agree--our lives are destined (possibly intended depending on views of divinity) to be full of both joy (love) and grief/pain as you stated. That was my "lesson" -- to learn to focus on the joy derived from the unique, special and loving relationships in my life.Therein resides the hopeful peace...remembering the love. Thank you so much for sharing--wishing you all the best of health, happiness, love and peace in 2022 and beyond, Jessica