Letting go...why is it so hard?
Of all the human endeavors we all face, letting go is arguably the most challenging.
Some people find letting go of careers, belongings, and even money as the some of the most troubling events in their life. For many, the loss of "glory days" drive people to live in the past, dooming their present and future to a lingering reminiscent pain of missing what they perceive as the best days of their lives.
And then there is the pain of letting go of relationships: break-ups, divorce, severed friendships, sibling divides...and the loss experienced when someone passes from this life. For me, the inevitability of the death of a loved one is the greatest pain. Even though we all know no one gets out of here alive...the pain we suffer in the death of those we love is no less a challenge to let go of.
As I reflect on loves lost, I understand it's obvious where the pain originates...in love. What brings us the most joy has a dark side. We do not want to let go of love. Letting go of love...the love shared with another person...reveals what is inherent in the act of love, flipping the coin on love to the other side: pain.
We cannot live fully without love. Yet, love brings pain. What must we do? If pain is truly the dark, shadowy side of love, is the answer to accepting the most heartfelt losses in life to learn to let go of the pain...remembering the love? Is this the lesson we must learn? We do not let go of love...we let go of pain?
Yes...I must learn to let go of the pain of love.
As the yin and yang of life painstakingly persists, pain and love truly go hand in hand. Ultimately, you cannot have one without the other. Some people think hate is the opposite of love. But it is not...it is pain. And another paradox appears--the people who will likely inflict the most pain in your life are the people closest to you. How could this be? The people who love you the most will hurt you the most?
The people you love have more opportunity to inflict pain. They are not perfect--as neither are you and me. They are human--and humans do hurtful things. Proximity and familiarity offer more chances for the pain of love to be felt.
I see my two beautiful, healthy baby girls--and I know someday they too will be responsible for or part of my greatest pains. And knowing that someday I will be gone and they will be on their own...motherless...is a pain in and of itself.
Yet...that does not matter. I love them...more than any pain--real or imagined.
My husband said last night he realized he has "an expiration date." Despite his relatively young age, his remarkable health, his work constantly reminds him we all have a time...a time we must obey.
If you've read this far and think, "Wow...Jessica is really depressed," I am not depressed. All of this--from expiration dates to the pain of love reminds me that right now...this moment...is all we are given. In this dark truth is hope. There are no promises for brighter tomorrows--we have this moment, the eternal now, to find our way, our path in our love...and our pain.
I've seen many people in my 33 years of life practice pain-avoidance by attempting to be indifferent to love. A cold, calloused perspective may seem to offer protection--but it will fail...in the end. These people attempt to avoid pain by refusing to give themself to love. They refuse to taste of the sweetness of love...thinking they will avoid the pain of letting go...of love lost. And it never, ever ends well with this effort.
Of all the pain I can imagine, this is the worst. To never love...to never share our life...that is the most horrific pain. Indifference to love equates to pain...without love.
I write this as a reminder for me--a reminder to live...to love...and to understand...and accept...the pain of letting go. And, understanding that what I need to let go of is not love...but the pain. It remains my greatest lesson to learn...and accept.
Peace and blessings,
Jessica