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Re: Golfing Jokes

• ToddX61 152 Posts

  Thu, Nov 25 2010 8:03 AM

   

  Played golf today ... wondered why the ball kept getting bigger.  Than it hit me.

• harryhatt 2 Posts

  Sun, Nov 28 2010 3:17 PM

  ToddX61:

   

   

  Played golf today ... wondered why the ball kept getting bigger.  Than it hit me.

   

  now thats my kind of humor.lol

• Nicole161106 281 Posts

  Wed, Dec 1 2010 12:22 PM

  A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
  
  "Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
  
  "What did you do?" the doctor asks.
  
  "Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
  'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

• jamiehout 5 Posts

  Wed, Dec 1 2010 11:37 PM

  Nicole161106:

  A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
  
  "Well," the man says, "it's like this; I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white on its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
  
  "What did you do?" the doctor asks.
  
  "Well." the man replies, "I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
  'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

   

  Revitol hair removal cream

   

   

• StrangeMagic 1,304 Posts

  Wed, Dec 15 2010 7:23 AM

   

  Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

   

  1 cup of water

  1 tsp baking soda

  1 cup of sugar

  1 tsp salt

  1 cup of brown sugar

  4 large eggs

  1 cup nuts

  2 cups of dried fruit

  1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

   

  Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,

  check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

  Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter

  in a large fluffy bowl.

   

  Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point

  it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another

  cup just in case.

  Turn off the mixerer thingy.

  Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup

  of dried fruit.

  Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

  Mix on the turner.

   

  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry

  it loose with a drewscriver..

  Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

  Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves

  a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

  Add one table.

  Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can

  find.

  Greash the oven..

  Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall

  over.

  Don't forget to beat off the turner.

   

  Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the

  Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

  Cherry Mistmas !

• borntobesting 9,683 Posts

  Wed, Dec 15 2010 9:58 AM

  jeffdos924:

  Bill was playing golf one afternoon with his wife, and hit a nasty slice off the second tee - landing in an impossible lie in front of the greenkeeper's shed. Being helpful, his wife suggested "No need to take a penalty shot darling, just open both the front and back doors and push the tractor out. Then, you'll can hit hit it straight through the shed with a 3 iron."

  "Brilliant idea darling!" and with that, Bill took a mighty whack at the ball, which struck the rear of the building - bouncing off and hitting his wife in the head, killing her stone dead.

  A few years later, Bill was playing the same hole with his new wife... and by sheer coincidence landed at the exact same place in front of the shed.

  "No need to take a penalty shot," said his new wife, "we can push the tractor out and open both sets of doors. You can hit straight through the shed!"

  "No way," he said. "Last time I tried that I ended up with a triple bogey!

  Sounds like our local course when they first opened it 45 or so years ago. It was built on an old farm and they left one of the barns up to use as maintenance storage. It was just off the 17th fairway. I can't count the times I had to punch a 3 or 4 iron through it to get to the green. 

• nyctc7 160 Posts

  Thu, Jun 14 2012 11:39 AM

  Some old friends are playing their regular Sunday foursome. 

  In the middle of their game they see a  funeral procession traveling down a nearby road.

  One of the players stands at attention, removes his hat, places it over his heart, and waits until the entire procession moves by.

  "Wow," says one of his friends. "Do you always do that?"

  "No," he replies.  "That was my wife."