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LET'S BE HONEST

• renniw52 5,385 Posts

  Thu, Feb 18 2016 4:06 PM

  I was on the course when the funeral passed by. I stopped mid swing and bowed my head. That was the least I could do after being married to her for almost 46 years.

• MBaggese 15,367 Posts

  Thu, Feb 18 2016 6:51 PM

  renniw52:

  I was on the course when the funeral passed by. I stopped mid swing and bowed my head. That was the least I could do after being married to her for almost 46 years.

  So, we've a;; heard these types of Golf jokes...right?

   

  I lived one.

   

  Me a bud got to about the 12th or 13th hole, he wasn't feeling too chipper...he decided to to lie down just behind the tee box.

   

  I say "John, you okay?"..

  He replies, "I just need to lie down for a bit, go ahead and tee off"

   

  So me and the two guys we were paired up with, tee off.

   

  So I go back to John and tell him he's up..."naw, I'm just gonna rest a bit" he says.

   

  I ask him "You sure you are okay?"..."I'll be fine", he say's...this goes back and forth 3 or 4 times...and finally I "pull myself away and head out for my ball.

   

  Oh, did I mention I was only 4 over at the time?

   

  So, me and the other two gent go on to finish the round, as we get to 18 over looking the clubhouse, I see red lights flashing, a firetruck and a ambulance.

   

    I'm thinking "what the heck is going on?"

   

  Well, we finish up...(I blew the chance at my 2nd sub 80 BTW ), go into the clubhouse to get a cool drink and they have it blocked off with Firemen and EMT's. and there's my buddy John, stretched out on the table with like 3 guys working on him...Oxy mask, IV in him, whole bunch of chit happening.

   

  They didn't want to let me through...but he motioned "OK"...I get up to him and apologize/etc., wishing he'll be okay, so on and so on...

   

  He pull's his mask back a bit and says "how could you just leave me there?"

   

    I said "Eff John, I was only 4 over!"

   

  When he got out of the hospital the next day, he was soooooooo happy to find out I didn't break 80.

  True story.

• andyson 6,415 Posts

  Fri, Feb 19 2016 6:40 AM

  MBaggese:

  So, we've a;; heard these types of Golf jokes...right?

  Yup! And here's one of my favorites....

  A guy walks in the door after his Saturday round of golf and his wife says: "How was golf today Hon?"

  "Not good, Harry had a heart attack on the 3rd hole"

  "Oh that's terrible!" says the wife.

  The guy replies: "Yeah!  All day long it was 'Hit the ball and drag Harry.' "

• craigswan 31,861 Posts

  Fri, Feb 19 2016 7:35 AM

  Ren and his wife had an unusual weekend.last week .

  The  Golfing couple are staying at a hotel and meet a Martian couple and began talking about
  all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex came up.
  
  "Just how do you do it?" asked  ren.
  
  "Pretty much the way you do it" responded the Martian.
  
  A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
  the night and experience one another. .Ren,s wife  and the male
  Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a
  teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.
  
  "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims his wife, looking shocked.
  
  "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
  
  "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"
  
  "No problem," he said, "All you need to do is gently slap my forehead to make it grow longer until you are happy with the length."

  So she slapped his forehead a few times, and watched his member grow until it was quite
  impressively long, and she was getting quite excited. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
  
  "No problem," he said again, "just pull my ears and it will gradually grow wider." So with each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was
  even more exciting to the woman.
  
  "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate
  love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went
  off together.
  
  As they had breakfast .ren  said to his wife, "Well, was it any good?"
  
  "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"
  
  "Well," he said, "I had a horrible night. I am black and blue. All she kept doing all night was slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears."

   

• craigswan 31,861 Posts

  Fri, Feb 19 2016 7:48 AM

  Ren has got himself a wee part time job .

  .He went for an audition at the local club.

  “You’d better not be a hypnotist, they’re not welcome here”

  “No I’m a singer” he replied “But what’s wrong with hypnotists?”

  “Well we had one here a couple of weeks ago. He had twelve people on stage in a trance.

  First He told them they were on the 18th green in the Open Championship with a putt to win. Their antics were hilarious as they lined up their imaginary putts.

  He then told them they were naked, and this was even more hilarious as they tried to cover their private parts with their hands

  Then he tripped over the microphone wire and shouted “sh it”. We’ve been cleaning the place up ever since”

• renniw52 5,385 Posts

  Fri, Feb 19 2016 6:14 PM

  Holy Sheeeeeeet

• MBaggese 15,367 Posts

  Fri, Feb 19 2016 7:37 PM

  Craig has some good ones!

   

  But my story was real!

   

  lol

   

   

  Keep'em coming Craig!

   

   

• craigswan 31,861 Posts

  Sat, Feb 20 2016 6:46 AM

  Renni loves his animals .

  Especially his squirrels and dogs .

  His three  male Labrador dogs, one brown, one golden and one black were sitting in a waiting room at the vets when they struck up a conversation.

  The black one turned to the brown one and said “So why are you here”

  The brown one replied “I’m a peeer , I pee on everything – the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I peeed in the middle of my owner’s bed.

  The black lab said “So what is the vet going to do?”

  “He’s going to cut my bollocks off” came the reply “They reckon it will calm me down”

  The black Lab then turned to the golden one and asked “Why are you here?”

  The golden Lab said “I’m a digger. I dig under fences; I dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up carpets. But I went too far last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners couch”

  “So what are they going to do to you?” the black Lab enquired.

  “Looks like I’m losing my bollocks too” the dejected golden Labrador replied.

  The golden Lab then turned to the black one and asked why are you here?”

  “I’m a sh agger ” the black one said “I’ll sh ag anything. I’ll sh ag the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever you can think of. I want to sh ag everything that I see.

  Yesterday, my owner had just gone for a shower after a round of golf, and he was bending down to dry his  toes and I just could not help myself. I hopped on away I went”

  The golden and brown Labs exchanged a sad glance and said “So, you’re having your bollocks off as well?”

  “No” replied the black Lab “I’m here to get my nails clipped”

• craigswan 31,861 Posts

  Sat, Feb 20 2016 7:09 AM

  Ren was at a loose end one afternoon.

   

  The  old timer went to town  to see a film at the new multiplex  and took his pet chicken with him. .

  When he came to buy his ticket, he was asked by the ticket lady, "What's that on your shoulder?" The old boy  said, "That's my pet chicken Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes."

  "I'm sorry sir", said the ticket lady, "We don't allow animals in the cinema."

  So Renni  went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, and this time he bought a ticket without any problem.

  He entered the cinema and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

  The film started and the chicken began to squirm. The old geezer  unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

  "Marge", whispered Mildred.

  "What?” said Marge

  "I think this man next to me is a pervert.” said Mildred.

  "What makes you think that?" asked Marge.

  "He’s unzipped his pants and he has his tod ger out", whispered Mildred.

  "Well, don't worry about it", said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."

  "That’s what I thought too", said Mildred, "But this one is eating my chips !"

• craigswan 31,861 Posts

  Sat, Feb 20 2016 7:17 AM

  Ren,s wife is a golfing widow .

  She was so neglected by her  golfing husband that she decided to buy a pet to keep her company.

  As she walked round the shop, she suddenly saw a poor old parrot, stuck away in the corner of the shop in a dusty old cage.

  The parrot had lost his feet, so nobody wanted to buy him. The poor woman’s heart went out to the little bird and she walked over to his cage.

  “Hello, old thing” she said “you look a little lonely”

  “I am” he replied “ I like talking to people, I’ve a lot of interesting things to say, but no one’s interested because I haven’t got any feet”

  “But how do you hang on to your perch?” she asked

  “With my wi lly” he replied “I wrap it round the perch”

  It only took the woman one minute to decide that the parrot was exactly what she wanted, so she paid for him and they went home.

  Over the next few months, they would spend hours in deep conversation, while her husband was out golfing, and the woman was so happy she hardly noticed her husband’s neglect anymore.

  Then one afternoon she arrived back from the shops to be greeted by a very serious bird.

  “I’ve something to tell you” he said. “While you were out, Renni  came home with his secretary. They sat on the sofa, kissed and cuddled, then he took off her blouse and started to fondle her bre asts.

  “Oh no!” she said “What happened next?”

   “I don’t know” he screeched. “I fell of my perch”