Me: I'm sorry, but I simply cannot understand you. Do you have any native English speakers that I can talk to please?
David Beckham (AKA Nishrab) ok, i pu yu troo if yu lai, plee wai minid
Cue Bananarama
Hi, its Gerry heah, hoo can ah hape woar Hinnie?
Me: Urm, are you a native English speaker?
Gerry: Waye aye, ahm frum noocassel layke, a gawdee, whas the trubbl layke muss?
Me: ....
Gerry: Alloah? Whits ahp, Ah cannae hayp yuh ef yuh cannae tawe meh wissup hinnie
Me: I'm sorry, do you have any native English speakers that I can talk to please?
Lizzie xx
( Excerpt from actual conversation )