Golf Joke Time

• lvietri 3,326 Posts

  Fri, Apr 22 2011 9:45 AM

  This was just too good NOT to share with the WGT community.

  An Australian true story ...

  Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to his first year medical students.

  Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

  He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said : "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

  She replied: "Probably golfing with his mates".

   

  Rim-shot --- leave on a high note.

• Switz71 278 Posts

  Fri, Apr 22 2011 10:14 AM

  LOL  Classic one Mr. Ivietri

  Watched by a club pro, a golfer enjoyed a torrid start to his first ever game. His tee shot flew into the woods, his second ball landed in a lake and his third ball buried itself in a bunker. And with each passing shot, his swing grew wilder, so that by the time he had attempted to get out of the bunker for the fifth time, he was brutally hacking away at the ball. With the ball still deep in the sand, he belatedly sought the help of the pro.

  "What club should I use on this shot?" he asked.

  "I don't know," replied the pro. "What game are you playing?"

• Snaike 3,678 Posts

  Fri, Apr 22 2011 12:17 PM

  Wally and his friends had been playing golf at the local muni for so many years that their foursome had a standing tee-time every Tuesday.  Rain or shine, the 4 older gents trundled out to the course to play the game they loved.  They'd reminisce about their glory days on the courses, they'd tell lies and jokes and generally had a great time in each other's company.

  One Tuesday morning, as a funeral procession rounded the bend near the clubhouse, Wally stood silently, removed his cap and placed it over his heart.  His friends noticed his bowed head and, a little surprised at his reaction, they did the same.

  After the funeral procession past by they turned to him... "Wally?  Whats up with you?  We've never seen you act like that before.. what's going on?"

  "Well," Wally replied, "After being married to her for over 30 years, I felt it was the least I could do."

• Yappy22 733 Posts

  Fri, Apr 22 2011 12:46 PM

  On a par 3 with blind green over a hill 2 guys were putting out when this ball comes sailing over the hill lands on the green and stops 6" from the cup. One of the golfers said to his buddy" Lets kick the ball in the hole and the guy will think he got a hole in one". They were fiddling around with their clubs when sure enough here comes a golfer looking around the green for his ball. After a couple of minutes he asked them if they have seen his ball. They started to laugh and told him" Man your ball hit the green and went straight in the hole". The guy said " Thanks that's a 7 for the hole".

• johnloaves 126 Posts

  Fri, Apr 22 2011 3:09 PM

  A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
  garbage bags behind her.
  
  One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the
  sidewalk.
   
  Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
  bills falling out of that bag."
   
  "Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see
  if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."
   
  Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You
  didn't steal it, did you?"
  
  "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the
  Golf course.
   
  On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the
  fence, right into my flower garden.
  It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought,
  'why not make the best of it?
  
  So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
  hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I
  surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it
  comes.'
   
  "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by
  the way, what's in the other bag?"
   
  "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

• sallu4u 87 Posts

  Fri, Apr 22 2011 4:16 PM

  It's Called Golf...

  The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf. 

  Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
  
  The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
  
  There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly ... or start cheating.
  
  An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice ... once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.

  Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh

  There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes and return with three enemies

  Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken

• lvietri 3,326 Posts

  Fri, Apr 22 2011 4:39 PM

  During his weekly round with his buddies ... Joe hits his ball so far into the woods that the others tell him to find it and catch up later.    He finds his ball on a front walk by a little house in the woods ... and as he bends to pick it up a witch comes out.

  "Your the first golfer I've seen this far in the woods .. your can't be very good", she says, "I'm doing an experiment - would you take this little pill I've been working on and see if it helps your game?"   "Just make sure you come back in a year and tell me how you are doing."      

  Joe agrees, takes the pill .. and proceeds to hit his ball from the cart path, 240 yards, through the trees and onto the green .. and birdies the hole.

  From then on, for the whole next year, ... Joe becomes the best golfer in his club. 

  After a year, as promised ... he goes back to the witch who asks how it worked to which Joe replied .... "It's been amazing ...   I have won every weekly 4 some bet, I won the member guest, I won the club championship and even qualified for a regional tournament."

  "But have there been any side effects ?" says the witch.  

  Joe says ... "well none that i can see."    

  "Really .. how about your sex life .. do you have much sex ?" she asks.

  "Well maybe 1 or 2 times a month" replies Joe.

  "See .. i knew there was a problem with this pill"... exclaims the witch.

  "Oh no no no" .. says Joe .. "for a priest from a small parish .. that's not too bad at all."

• sallu4u 87 Posts

  Fri, Apr 22 2011 4:52 PM

  A woman golfer suffers a terrible bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.
  
  "What happened" asked the doctor.
  
  "I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.
  
  The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!" 

• nanstar 4,914 Posts

  Fri, Apr 22 2011 7:55 PM

  A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity,looking up,looking down,measuring the distance,figuring the wind direction and speed,driving his partner nuts.

  Finally his exasperated partner says, 'What's taking so long?Hit the blasted ball!'

  The guy answers,'My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.I want to make this a perfect shot.'

  'Forget it man.You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

• nickuk 967 Posts

  Sat, Apr 23 2011 1:07 AM

  Green fee`s