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Golf Jokes

Sun, Jun 2 2013 3:30 PM (94 replies)
  • stevenharkin
    1,921 Posts
    Wed, Oct 12 2011 6:52 AM

    yes just a tad lol

    eric cantona and seagulls come to mind

  • PYTHON1
    2 Posts
    Wed, Oct 12 2011 7:02 AM

    Stick too golf Michalla.  lol

  • hpurey
    11,505 Posts
    Wed, Oct 12 2011 7:46 AM

    helen1972:

    Did anyone else find that as confusing as me  ? lol

    YEP! lmao

  • oilyrag
    875 Posts
    Wed, Oct 12 2011 8:13 AM

    maybe one will have to allow for the poster not being an english speaker and that the text  has been passed through something like google translator.

     

    it is very similar to the below.

     

    :

    Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. 
    Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound. 
    Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. 
    Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green. 
    The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. 
    Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. 
    Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

     

    have the eagle eyed spotted the flaw in the punchline?

  • hpurey
    11,505 Posts
    Wed, Oct 12 2011 9:43 AM

    Lost at sea...



     One day a man decided to retire...He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies,nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come  from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
    "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."  "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."  "But, where did  you get the tools?"  "Oh, that was no problem,"  replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum  of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile  iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

    The guy is stunned.

    "Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of  rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small  wharf. As  the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.  Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."  
    "Would you like a drink?"  "No!  No thank you," the man blurts  out, still dazed.  "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

    "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.  How would you like a Pina Colada?"

    Trying to hide his continued amazement,  the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to  talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into  something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

    No longer questioning anything, the man  goes upstairs into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet is a razor  made from a piece of tortoise bone.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.  "This woman is amazing," he muses.  "What's next?"  When he returns, she  greets him wearing nothing  but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.  She  then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

    "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,  "We've both been out here for many months.  You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something  you've  been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
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     You've built a Golf Course?"

  • hpurey
    11,505 Posts
    Wed, Oct 12 2011 9:47 AM

    A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

  • hpurey
    11,505 Posts
    Wed, Oct 12 2011 9:48 AM

    Hello All, 
    You may not know it but I have been very busy over the past 2 years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about
     Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. Here is the Table of Contents from my new book, "Winning Golf Strategies", which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of golfing partners.
     
    Table Of Contents
    Chapter  1  -  How to properly line up your Fourth putt. 
    Chapter  2  -  How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a Titleist from the tee. 
    Chapter  3  -  How to avoid the water when you lie 8 In a bunker. 
    Chapter  4  -  How to get more distance off the Shank. 
    Chapter  5  -  When to give the Ranger the finger. 
    Chapter  6  -  Using your shadow on the Greens to maximize earnings. 
    Chapter  7  -  When to implement Handicap Management. 
    Chapter  8  -  Proper excuses for drinking beer before 9 a.m
    Chapter  9  -  How to urinate behind a 4" x 4" post,... Undetected. 
    Chapter 10 - How to rationalize a 6 hour round. 
    Chapter 11 - How to find that ball that everyone else saw go In the water. 
    Chapter 12 - Why your spouse doesn't care that you Birdied the 5th. 
    Chapter 13 - How to let a Foursome play through your Twosome. 
    Chapter 14 - How to relax when you are hitting Three off the Tee. 
    Chapter 15 - When to suggest major swing corrections to your opponent. 
    Chapter 16 - God and the meaning of The Birdie-To-Bogey Putt. 
    Chapter 17 - When to regrip your Ball Retriever. 
    Chapter 18 - Use a strong grip on the Hand Wedge and Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge. 
    Chapter 19 - Why male golfers will pay $5.00 a beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 tip, but will balk at a $3.50 Beer at the 19th Hole and stiff the Bartender.
     
    Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy. Please send on and hopefully more people will buy copies!!!
     
    Thank You!

  • SOYEL1
    698 Posts
    Wed, Oct 12 2011 11:49 AM

    We have enough jokes when we play this game.. the first one is something called VEM where a dinged meter is not a dinged meter and may result in something else. I just dinged a putt, STRAIGHT as straight can be in a flat surface..Only 6 feet and no movement from any side of the views, it went out.... and you ask for jokes, this game is a joke sometimes.

  • helen1972
    347 Posts
    Thu, Oct 13 2011 11:55 AM

    Two strangers met in the clubhouse and, since each needed a playing partner, they decided to play a round together.

    When they arrived at the second tee, they could see two women in the fairway.

    They were taking their time and not the least bit concerned about their very slow play.

    Two hours later, as the men were standing on the sixth tee, one of the men just could not take it any longer.

    "I'm going up there and asking to play through," he said and started towards the women. Half way down the fairway, he turns around and runs back to the tee.

    "I can't go up there. One of those ladies is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

    "No problem. I'll take care of it," said his partner, and he starts down the fairway.

    Half way there, he turns around and runs back to the tee.

    As he reaches his partner he says, "Damn, small world."

    Helen.

  • hpurey
    11,505 Posts
    Thu, Oct 13 2011 12:10 PM

    Another good one Helen,  keep em coming!

     

    :)

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