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Golf Jokes

• hpurey 11,505 Posts

  Fri, Oct 21 2011 4:57 PM

  helen1972:

  Steve Wonder says, "Pick a night!"

   

  lmao  priceless

• fairground11 1,211 Posts

  Sun, Oct 23 2011 2:31 PM

  a guy is just about to play his shot on the first hole when the club secretary shouts too him that he is on the ladies tee and that he must move back 30 yards to play his shot.

  the guy doesnt take any notice of him and is on his backswing when the secretary shouts at him again.

  the guy ignores him again and is just about to hit the ball when the secretary shouts at him a 3rd time.

  by now the guy has had enough and shouts back at the secretary "will you shut the *** up i am trying to play my 2nd shot here"

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Mon, Oct 24 2011 3:07 AM

  Paddy was playing golf at a very exclusive club in County Kerry for the first time, and on the sixth hole he hit a hole in one. Jubilant, he walked down to the green and, just as he was taking his ball from the cup, up popped a leprechaun.

  "Sor," the leprechaun bowed politely and continued. "This is a very exclusive course which has everything, including the services of a leprechaun if you make a hole in one in the sixth hole. I will be delighted to grant you any wish your heart desires."

  "Saints preserve us," said Paddy in shock. But seeing the leprechaun waiting so patiently he thought for a minute then admitted shyly that he did have a wish.

  "I want to have a longer penis," he confided. "Your wish is granted, Sor," the leprechaun said and disappeared in a puff of green smoke down the hole.

  So Paddy headed back to join up with his friends and as he walked he could feel his penis slowly growing. The golf game progressed and Paddy's penis kept getting longer and longer until it came out beneath his shorts and reached down below his knees.

  "Hmmmm," Paddy thought, "maybe this wasn't such a great idea after all." So he left his friends and went back to the sixth hole with a bucket of balls and began to shoot. Finally he hit a hole in one, and by the time he got down to the green, he had to hold his penis to keep it from dragging on the ground. But he managed to take the ball from the cup and sure enough, out popped the leprechaun.

  "Sor, this is a very exclusive course," said the leprechaun bowing once again, "and it has everything including the services of a leprechaun . . . oh it's you again.

  Well what will it be this time?"

  "Could you make my legs longer?" pleaded Paddy.

  Helen.

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Mon, Oct 24 2011 3:08 AM

  Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the third hole, when a gorgeous naked lady ran past. Naturally, this distracted him somewhat, but the true wannabe pro that he was, he bent back to the much more important task at hand. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white coats ran past. This was of course less of a distraction, so it was only a few seconds before he was ready again. He was again distracted by a third man, running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two buckets of sand.

  Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion knew and told him:

  "Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the loony bin beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways. The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch her first, and the winner gets to carry her back."

  "What about the bucket of sand?"

  "Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap."

  Helen.

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Mon, Oct 24 2011 3:12 AM

  Wife to Husband,

  You think so much of your old golf game that you don't even remember when we were married.

  Course I do, my dear. It was the day I sank a 30 yard putt.

  Helen.

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Mon, Oct 24 2011 3:15 AM

  His wife was a new and nervous player but Jim persuaded her to play against a new customer of his and his wife. "After all," he explained, "it will be a two-ball foursome. I'll drive off and by the time you have to hit the ball the client and his spouse will be elsewhere on the fairway and not watching you."

  It was agreed and the game started as Jim had said it would. He hit off with a fine drive, right down the fairway about 320 metres leaving about four metres to the green. He handed his wife an iron and told her to aim for the green. She sliced it with vigour into the deep rough at the side of the fairway. Two!

  His shot from the rough was magnificent and landed the ball back on the fairway - this time about half a metre from the green. Three!

  She whacked it right over the green and into the sandtrap on the other side. Four!

  He was in brilliant form and he clipped it neatly from the sand onto the green about a metre from the hole.Five!

  Her putt rolled off the green and into another sandtrap. Six!

  His recovery landed three centimetres from the hole. Seven!

  Her putt stopped at the green's edge. Eight!

  His putt of thirteen metres went in. Nine!

  The customer and his wife holed out with four. Jim's reaction was nothing too dramatic. He merely tore up his score card and ate it, broke three clubs and bent the remainder, jumped up and down on his golfcart and finally, shaking his fist at his wife, he strode off to the clubhouse.

  His wife emerged from the sandtrap whence she had watched the performance. "I don't know what he's so mad about," she said. "After all, he had five shots; I only had four!"

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Mon, Oct 24 2011 3:17 AM

   

  Last Joke | Next Joke Marriage problems A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.  "There" he said to John, the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".  "Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days." Helen.

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Mon, Oct 31 2011 9:05 AM

  Verne was teeing off from the men's tee.  On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him.  Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.  A few days later, Verne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
       Coroner: "Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head.  You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
       Verne: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
       Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass."
       Verne: "Was it a Titlist 3?"
       "Yes", replied the coroner.
       Verne:  "That was my mulligan."

  Helen.

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Mon, Oct 31 2011 9:07 AM

   A man was invited to play at his friend's course and during the round he felt the call of nature, was far away from the toilets and so he went behind a tree believing that he was unobserved.  However, on a parallel fairway, three lady members were playing. As they passed they were surprised to observe just a very private part of a man's anatomy protruding from around the tree. 
       "He's certainly not my husband, I can tell you that," said the first lady. 
       "Disgusting! I'm glad he's not mine either, " said the second lady. 
       "It really is an outrage," said the third. "He's not even a club member!" 

  Helen.

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Mon, Oct 31 2011 9:11 AM

  Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one one of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed - and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends unanimously agree, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!"
  
  A few weeks later it's Christmas morning - and there all are standing next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can't even take her eyes off it." Another friend says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third friend replies "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car" reading the manual." Silence from the fourth guy"
  
  The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, "Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what's it gonna be" and she said "Take a sweater."

   

   Helen.