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Golf Jokes

Sun, Jun 2 2013 3:30 PM (94 replies)
  • olliemc11754
    1 Posts
    Mon, May 21 2012 4:10 AM

    My friend hit his drive, but it started fading badly, he started shouting at the ball to come back,I told him Elvis had a better chance of coming back

  • Greyhound3
    18 Posts
    Wed, May 23 2012 9:49 PM

    A foursome is out on the course one afternoon. Just after they hit their drives on the 16th, they hear the rumble of thunder. Three members of the foursome immediately head for a nearby shelter, but the fourth member strolls down the middle of the fairway, a club on his shoulder, seemingly unconcerned.

     

    The other three guys yell at him "Didn't you hear the thunder? Are you nuts?"

     

    The fourth guy turns, holds up the club in his hand, and yells back "Hey - not even God can hit a 1 iron!"

     

     

  • bripuppy
    3 Posts
    Thu, May 24 2012 8:43 AM

    Jesus and Moses were out golfing one day when Jesus hits his  tee shot into the water .... Moses hits his straight down the middle  ... Moses is smiling thinking he has the advantage as they get to the water says to Jesus you can drop anywhere around here Jesus says i dont  think so ... and as only Jesus can do walks out on the water to his ball ... as hes studying his shot 2 other golfers see him standing there ontop of the water and say to Moses who does he think he is Jesus Christ ??? Moses replies .... NO he is Jesus Christ .... HE thinks HES Arnold Palmer

  • AGArgent
    343 Posts
    Thu, May 24 2012 8:51 AM

    Sal Smith was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the 3rd hole he had just nailed his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had been in a terrible accident and was in critical condidtion in ICU. The man asked the doctor to tell his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he rang off, he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be the round of his life. He decided to get in just a couple more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all 18 holes and shot his personal best, a 61, shattering the club record and topping his previous best game by 10 strokes. He was jubilant.

        Then he remembered his wife. Feeling very guilty he dashed to the hospital and arriving, asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you?! I hope you're proud of yourself!! While you were out for the last 4 hours enjoying yourself at your country club, your wife has been languishing in ICU. It's just as well you that you went ahead and finished that round because it will more than likely be your last.  For the rest of her life your wife will require round the clock care and you will be her care-giver. She will need IV's; you will need to change her colostomy bag every three hours; she will have to be spoon fed three times a day not to mention the daily hygiene care!"

        Sal broke down and sobbed uncontrollably.

        The doctor then chuckled and said " I'm just messing with you, man. Actually she's dead. So..what'd you shoot?"

        

     

     

  • torcheeee
    73 Posts
    Thu, May 24 2012 1:25 PM

    A guy is playing golf at a new course and is understandably nervous on the 1st tee. He pulls out his driver, loosens up with a couple of practice swings and steps up to his ball. Nerves get the better of him and he makes a horrendous slice into the car park and out of bounds. He places another ball on the tee, relaxes a little and hits a 250 yard drive straight down the middle. Grabbing his trolley he heads off down the fairway.


    Unbeknown to the golfer his ball lands in the car park, takes an almighty kick off the tarmac and flies over the boundary fence, down a grassy bank,  and bounces onto the adjacent motorway. Richocets again and flies straight through the window of an on coming fuel tanker stunning the driver. The tanker swerves across the opposite side of the motorway, tips over and causes an almighty collision with the carraigeway strewn with cars and bodies.

    The golf ball bounces on the floor of the tankers cab, flies back out of the window and down the nearby railway embankment. The 10.18 is just heading past when the ball flies through the windscreen stunning the driver, who then doesn't brake at the next station and ploughs the train into another causing destruction in all directions.

    The golf ball bounces on the floor of the train cab and shoots straight up in the air and smashes through the windscreen of a passing jumbo jet instantly stunning the pilot and co-pilot. With no-one to control the plane it unfortuantly lands in the nearest populated area on a housing estate.

    The golfer finishes his round with a nice 8 footer for par and pleased with himself heads for the Club bar.


    While stood at one end of the bar enjoying a cold one he can't help but hear the Club Pro telling a group of members about the unfortuanate turn of events;

     

    "...........and then the plane crashed, last count 495 dead and 39 injured."

    The golfer is in bits. He thinks what the hell am I going to do. So he waits until the Club Pro is stood at the bar on his own and he sidles up to him with his drink and stuttering says;


    "Excuse, ahem ex.....ex.....excuse me sir, I couldn't help but overhear what you were then saying. I f....fff.....fffff........feel terrible. That was my...my....my....ball that caused that terrible catastrophe and killed all those poor innocents. However will I live with myself? Whatever shall I do? Please tell me!"

    And the Club Pro says;

    "Next time turn your shoulders more fully, keep the weight on your back foot longer and keep your head still."

  • pejon60
    250 Posts
    Sun, May 27 2012 1:59 AM

     

    DINNER CONVERSATION GONE BAD

    WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"


    HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"


    WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"


    HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

     
    WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"


    HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."


    WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."


    HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).


    WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"


    HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"


    WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"


    HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."


    WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"


    HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."


    WIFE: - - - silence - -


    HUSBAND: "Oh Crap!."

     

     

  • alosso
    21,073 Posts
    Sun, May 27 2012 3:03 AM

    A guy without talent and fortune has so bad a game that he finds no playing company in his golf club. Therefore he decides to leave the bad past behind him and play on the other side of town where nobody knows him.

    To avoid any stress he decides to start at a workday. Arriving at the other - empty - course, he pays his greenfee and hires a caddie as an aide to the new course. His game does not improve on unknown ground, so he hacks his way over the course, easily exceeding 120. Close to the end he dares to ask the caddie "What do you think about my game? I know it's not the best, but not the worst either?" The caddie remains silent for a while, harrumphing while trying to find the right words for his customer. Then he says "I agree that your game might be better, but I heard that there's a guy at the other end of town who plays the worst golf one has ever seen."

  • TurkishTerror
    2,177 Posts
    Tue, May 29 2012 8:19 AM

    oilyrag:

    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

  • hpurey
    11,505 Posts
    Sun, Jun 10 2012 6:40 AM

    TurkishTerror:
    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

     

    That one will never lose it's FUNNY! lmao

     

  • RKPayne
    213 Posts
    Sun, Jun 10 2012 8:48 PM

    Definition of Golf

    A few seconds of brilliance surrounded by hours of stupidity.

     

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