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Golf Jokes

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Tue, Nov 15 2011 6:37 AM

  A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrifed, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
  
  "Arrgh! What happened?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"
  
  "Thank God, you're alright!," the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you."
  
  And the golfer walks off.
  
  "What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want --- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
  
  A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.
  
  "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
  
  "That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're alright."
  
  "Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"
  
  "Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."
  
  "I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"
  
  The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, alright, I suppose."
  
  "C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"
  
  Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -- sometimes twice a week."
  
  "What!," says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"
  
  "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

  Helen.

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Tue, Nov 15 2011 6:39 AM

  A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first fellow says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
  
  Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
  
  The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.
  
  The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
  
  The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
  
  The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

  Helen.

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Tue, Nov 15 2011 6:43 AM

  A man was  walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
  
  The  man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this  money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
  
  "No,  I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
  
  "Will you use it to gamble?"
  
  "I don't gamble. I need everything  I can get just to stay alive."
  
  "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
  
  "Are you NUTS!  I haven't played  golf in 20 years!"
  
  The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.   Instead, I 'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
  
  The  bum was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?  I know I'm dirty, and I probably  smell pretty bad."
  
  The  man replied, "That's OK.  I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and  golf."

  ____________________________________________________________________________________

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Tue, Nov 15 2011 6:45 AM

  The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
  
  "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
  
  The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.
  
  "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
  
  "None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
  
  Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.
  
  The day after the match Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
  
  "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.
  
  "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

  "Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

  "How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

  Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes".

   

• BMikeT 7 Posts

  Tue, Nov 15 2011 11:20 AM

  Sorry for the double post

• BMikeT 7 Posts

  Tue, Nov 15 2011 11:58 AM

  True story. I have been a golfer for many years now but I remember my first golf game. I had seen it played in Wide World of Sports but i didn't really know much about it.

  I bought a set of (ha ha) used clubs. When they meant woods, they weren't kidding. I was expecting to find rocks in the pocket to play with. I was glad that it wasn't true.

  I made my way out to the local golf course and got my little cart and strapped in my clubs. I then puttered off to the first hole. When i arrived I was confused because instead of the first hole, it was the tenth. I had to back track to the other side of the course.

  Finally, at my proper starting hole, I located my first tee box. I stopped at the first one I saw. Looking around, I saw the green about 400 yards away. The sign told me it was 338 but what did I know,right?

  So I tee up and THWOCK (not the cute little "tink" that you hear today). The ball went 250 yards to my delight. It sliced a little but landed in the grass and I could see the hole. My next shot landed just short of the green. I thought "wow,this game isn't that hard. What's the big deal?"

  I was driving up to it when I saw another ball drop straight down onto the green. I looked behind me to see who would have the gall to shoot when I could have been hit! Seeing no one behind me I continued toward my ball.  

  Just then, I hear shouting coming from my left. I couldn't make out what they were saying but as they got closer they said " What are you doing?" I said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that there were more than one tee box for this hole".

  They said "there aren't any other tee boxes for this hole. Each hole has it's own set of tee boxes". I then found out that I was playing the 12th green.

• tomtad 3 Posts

  Sun, Nov 20 2011 5:29 PM

  a 95 year old man who plays golf every day, is starting to get frustrated because his eye sight is going bad, and he can't find or see where he hits the ball to. he goes home and tells his wife that he is going to quit playing.

  she suggests that he takes her cousin out to the golf couse to help him. the husband says "he's older than me", and the wife says "yes he may be older but he has the vision of an eagle".

  so the next day the husband take the wife's cousin out to the golf course, and he hits the ball, and he can't see it, so he says to the cousin, "did you see where the ball went", and the cousin says" i sure did", the husband says, "well where did it go?" The cousin says, "i don't know i can't remember"

   

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Wed, Mar 14 2012 3:22 AM

  A couple love to play golf together, but neither of them have been playing like they want to lately, and so they decide that it might be an idea if they took private lessons.
  
  The husband is the first one to have a lesson.
  
  After the instructor sees his swing, he moans loudly, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
  
  "Well, what should I do?" the man asks.
  
  "You need to hold the club gently," the golf pro replied. "Hold the club just like you would hold your wife's breast."
  
  So the man takes the advice that the instructor gave him, takes a swing, and KERPOW! He hits the ball and it flies almost 300 yards straight up the fairway.
  
  The man is delightd, and goes back to his wife with the good news.
  
  His wife can't wait for her lesson, which just happens to be the very next day.
  
  The golf pro watches the wife take her swing, and just as before he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
  
  "What can I do?" asks the wife meekly.
  
  "You need to hold the club gently, just like you would hold hold your husband's willie".
  
  The wife listens very carefully to the instructor's advice, then takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, landing about 15 feet from where she stood.
  
  "That was great," the instructor says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

  Helen x

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Wed, Mar 14 2012 3:31 AM

  An elderly couple are playing together in the annual golf club championship.
  
  The game has ended up in a play off hole, and everytrhing rides on a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.
  
  Aware of how critical the this final putt is, she takes her stance, and her husband can see her trembling.
  
  Well the wife putts, the ball sails clear past the hole, and the couple lose the match.
  
  On the way home in the car, it's obvious from the atmosphere that her husband is not happy, in fact he is fuming,
  
  "I cannot believe that you missed that simple putt!" he said to his wife. "That putt was no longer than my dick."
  
  The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

  Helen x

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Wed, Mar 14 2012 3:33 AM

  Four men played a round of golf one day.
  
  Three of them headed off to the first tee, while the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
  
  The three men started talking, and as men so often do, began bragging about their sons.
  
  The first man told the others, "my son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
  
  The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded too."
  
  The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
  
  The fourth man joined them on the tee a few minutes later, having taken care of the bill.
  
  The first man mentioned to him, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
  
  The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay, and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about this, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio.

  Helen x