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Golf Jokes

• GARRYCARTER 1,533 Posts

  Wed, Mar 14 2012 4:43 AM

  LOVE IT! pmsl  :)

  helen1972:

  Four men played a round of golf one day.
  
  Three of them headed off to the first tee, while the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
  
  The three men started talking, and as men so often do, began bragging about their sons.
  
  The first man told the others, "my son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
  
  The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded too."
  
  The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
  
  The fourth man joined them on the tee a few minutes later, having taken care of the bill.
  
  The first man mentioned to him, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
  
  The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay, and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about this, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio.

  Helen x

   

• TrikiRik 103 Posts

  Sun, Apr 22 2012 5:39 PM

  Father O’Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married, and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life.

  So he decides to go to the United States before he is too old to enjoy it. He hops on a plane bound for Nevada. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, “ELVIS! OH MY GOD! IT’S ELVIS! I knew you weren’t dead, Elvis! How have you been?”

  Father looks at her and says, “Get outta me face. Can’t you see I’m not Elvis? I don’t look a thing like Elvis.”

  The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops into his cab, and he’s a little upset so tells the cabby, “Take me to my hotel and step on it.”

  The cabby turns and says, “Sure thing, Sir–OH MY GOD! IT’S ELVIS! I knew you weren’t dead! I’m your number one fan! It’s so great to SEE you again!”

  “Shut up, you imbecile,” says the Father. “I’m NOT Elvis! Now turn around and drive!” So the cabby speeds up to the hotel.

  Father O’Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. “OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT’S YOU! screams the hotel clerk. “YOU’RE BACK, ELVIS! I knew this day would happen. Let me prepare our best suite for you, with a  fully stocked bar, anything you need sir.   I can even arrange unlimited play on our new top rated golf course at any tee time you desire.  I’m so glad you’re back!”

  Father O’Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, “Well, Thank you…Thank you very much!”

• rjs1969 196 Posts

  Sun, Apr 22 2012 6:43 PM

  What does a golfer and a sky diver have in common?  Golfers go WHAAAAAACK " OH CRAP!" Sky Divers go "OHHH CRRAAAP!" WHAAAAAACK

• 582 Posts

  Fri, Apr 27 2012 10:34 AM

  SweetiePie:

  During a golf lesson, the pro advised the lady to loosen her grip. She did and he said " better" but I want it much softer. He watched and said" I want the grip to be very light, like you have a hold of your husband's dick" which she did. The pro then said " Very good idea, but what I want you to do now is to take that golf club out of your mouth"

   

  I'm still laughing as I write.........thanks sweetiepie

   

• marks84 184 Posts

  Fri, Apr 27 2012 11:29 AM

  GREAT jokes Helen.... only question I have is when do you find time to actually play???

• IH8kidz 907 Posts

  Fri, Apr 27 2012 1:43 PM

  This well built guy goes into a bar, orders a beer, then another, when finally the bartender says "Hey bud, how did a strapping young guy like yourself end with a head the size of a golf ball?" Guy says" I was about to hit out of this bunker when I noticed a shiny lantern sticking out. So, I picked it up, rubbed it, and out pops this gorgeous, blond genie. She offered me three wishes, so I asked for a million bucks and poof, a million bucks lying at my feet. For my second wish, I asked for a huge house overlooking the 18th fairway and poof there it was. "What's your third wish" she asked. I said "how about you come out of that lamp so I can get in your pants" She said "no way". So I thought for a second, then said "well how about a little head then?"

• nickuk 967 Posts

  Fri, Apr 27 2012 3:20 PM

  I  asked my caddie for a sand wedge!

  he gave me ham on rye!!!

• srellim234 2,077 Posts

  Fri, Apr 27 2012 4:06 PM

  The lady golfer was a determined, if not very proficient player. At each swipe she made at the ball earth flew in all directions.

  "Gracious me," she exclaimed red-faced to her caddie, "the worms will think there's an earthquake."

  "I don't know," replied the caddie, "the worms round here are very clever. I'll bet most of them are hiding underneath the ball for safety."

• srellim234 2,077 Posts

  Fri, Apr 27 2012 4:15 PM

  A foursome is waiting at the white tee while a foursome of ladies tees off in front of them from the red. Three good tee shots; the fourth lady whiffs her first swing. Whiffing again, she finally tops the ball and it dribbles forward about five yards.

  She turned apologetically to the guys and said, "Obviously all those f****ing lessons I took over the winter didn't do any good."

  One of the men quickly replied, "There's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

• captkirk69 1 Posts

  Fri, Apr 27 2012 4:18 PM

  In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
  White And Dimpled And Rather Small.
  Oh How Bland It Does Appear,
  This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

  
  By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
  Of The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
  But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
  I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

  
  My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
  Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
  It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
  A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

  
  It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
  And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
  It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
  If I Hit It Straight And Far.

  
  To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
  Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

  But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
  And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

   

  It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
  And Disappears Before My Eyes.
  Often It Will Have A Whim,
  To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

  
  With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
  It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
  Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
  If Only It Would Find The Hole.

  
  It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
  And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
  And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
  But The Ball Knows... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
   

  Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls.
  A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.   Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.