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Golf Jokes

• BOBTX61 311 Posts

  Fri, Apr 27 2012 4:48 PM

  OK..............well, this isn't really a JOKE.....but, you know what they say - TRUTH is stranger (and funnier) than fiction.

  TRUE STORY...........an old women (who love to play golf & played 18 holes every week)....BTW...she was 82 years old.  Well, interesting enough, she never had to carry around a bag full of clubs.  Curious.  Well, it turns out, that this woman ONLY USED A 3 IRON when she played golf.  She hit her tee shots.....with a 3 Iron.  She hit all of her fairway shots.......with a 3 Iron.  And.....she hit all of her putts.....with that SAME 3 Iron.  And the really funny thing about this TRUE STORY.........she actually had a reasonably LOW AVERAGE. 

  I have played "maybe" 60 rounds of real golf........that old woman could probably whoop my ass on the golf course with that 3 iron of hers!!!  Too Funny!

• senec 254 Posts

  Fri, Apr 27 2012 9:04 PM

  During a vacation in Palm Springs this guy is playing a round of golf with his wife .On a certain hole he pushes his drive way right,almost out of bounds,very near some condos;..Does'nt know exactly how to play the next shot because the condo is  right in his line to the green.So the owner of the condo comes towards him and tells him "tell you what,I'll open the sliding doors of my condo both sides and you can punch a low 3 iron right through my living room and roll towards the green".The guy thinks it's not a bad idea and try's the shot but misses the opening.His ball hits the brickwall,rebounds back and hits his wife right on the forehead....Dead on the spot.Sad story but strangely the next year,he's playing the same course and hits his drive on the same spot.Has he sees the owner of the condo come towards him again he tells him"Oh no not this time I ain't trying this shot again I had an eleven on this hole the last time".

• jeffdos924 1,085 Posts

  Sat, May 5 2012 9:48 AM

  The room was full of pregnant women with their partners and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
  She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
  She looked at the men in the room, and said, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your wife. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
  The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
  After a few moments, a man named Wayne at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
  "Yes?" said the instructor.
  "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Tue, May 8 2012 10:14 PM

  For Romax

   

   

  A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
  
  Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"
  
  "I was stung by a bee!"- she said.
  
  "Where?" he asked.
  
  "Between the first and second hole," she replied.
  
  He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

• Voyager9940 684 Posts

  Tue, May 8 2012 10:48 PM

  Not meant to be insulting!

  In WW II, the allied forces in Berlin were dead certain about one thing; Hitler's bunker was not to be searched for at a golf course!

  VOY

• JimbeauC 5,835 Posts

  Fri, May 11 2012 12:35 AM

  Haven't visited this thread much. Looked through. Didn't think this one had been told. If it has, apologies. 

  Singles matchup of strangers. Local muni. 

  John and Fred begin a stroke play game, nothing on the line. On the #2 tee, John notes that Fred has a rifle in his bag. 

  John finally can stand no more on the seventh green. "Um, Fred, what's with the rifle? 

  Fred replies, "Well, as it happens, I'm a pro hit-man and never without my tools. 

  "Interesting," says John. "I was a sniper in Iraq. Can I give it a look? 

  Giving it  bit of thought, Fred says, "Well as one pro to another, sure." and pulls the weapon from the bag. 

  "Wow! Nice scope. Sweet. I can see my house from here. Hmmmm,  what the heck is Bob's car doing in my driveway? 

  Fred intones, "That scope is fitted with a polarizing filter. You should be able to see through any window." 

  John moves the sites and focuses on the bedroom. "That SOB is naked in my bedroom. Crap! so is my wife!" He looks up at John. "My eyesight isn't what it once was and I'm way out of practice. You say you're a pro? Well, what's the charge?"

  "$10,000 a shot."

  John only gives it a moment's thought. "Ok. I want her dead, but I want him to suffer. Shoot her in the head, and blow his **** off." 

  Fred takes the rifle and scopes out the situation. "Hmm, that will be 2 rapid fire rounds. The second has to hit its target before any reaction to the first can happen. Very difficult." A pause. "You have the money for this?" 

  "Yes. Just do it." 

  Fred takes a long time looking through the scope. 

  "What are you waiting for?" asks John. 

  "Give it a bit. I think I can solve my  problem and save you ten G's."

• bifferskipper 76 Posts

  Fri, May 11 2012 1:40 AM

  Golf Ethics question
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
      No one ever promised all decisions would be easy!
      What if you were playing in the club championship
  Tournament finals
      And the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You
  Had the honor
      And hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards
  To the middle of
      The fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin.
  Your opponent then
      Hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the
  Right of the fairway.
      Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help
  Your opponent
      Look for his ball.  Just before the permitted five
  Minute search period
      Ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your
  Second shot and
      If I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."
      You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping
  About ten feet
      From the pin. About the time your ball comes to
  Rest, you hear your
      Opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found
  It!". The second
      Sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club
  Striking a ball and the
      Ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the
  Green, stopping
      No more than six inches from the hole.
   
   
      Now here is the ethical dilemma:
      Do you pull the cheating ***'s ball out of your
  Pocket and
      Confront him with it… or do you keep your mouth shut.

• StrokerLee 94 Posts

  Fri, May 11 2012 3:25 AM

  A fellow I know (who was alwaysfaithful to his wife) started taking golf lessons just about every day after work !!! So finally after about a month of this...coming home late...his wife began to wonder what he might be doing !!! So she asked one day "honey why is it now that you seem to be getting home much later than normal"??  And of course he replied "Honey I have been taking golf lessons" !!! "Funny" she replied and added "I never knew or heard or overheard you talking to any of your friends about golfing" !!!  And this continued for about 4 months !!! But everytime he would come home or before he would leave for work in the morning (believing him to be unfaithful) there was always this big argument...about him not being faithful and using golfing as an excuse !!! And this went on and on and on !!! So much so that he never got any better...with all this negativity in his head!!! So finally he gave up Golfing !!! And after about 6 months of coming home from work back at his normal time...one day he ran into a beautiful woman...and they went to eat...and then to a bar...and one thing led to another!!! And after being out almost the whole night with the beautiful woman...when it came time to go home he was very much worried!!! So on the drive home he stopped at the local park...and began to pull up blades of grass...to tuck in his shoes and in his pants cuff !!! And as he opened the door to come in...there she was ANGRY AS HE**!!!  And she quirked "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN" ???  So he knew that he was not a very good liar...so he replied "Baby, Darling, Dear...I'm sorry but I had an affair with a beautiful woman" and at the same time he was taking off his shoes...and blades of grass began to fall out..and also out of his pants cuffs as well...and she replied after seeing this..."YOU LIAR YOU WAS BACK AT THE GOLF COURSE AGAIN" !!!!

• pejon60 250 Posts

  Mon, May 21 2012 2:17 AM

  A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
  Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
  
  The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
  
  "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
  
  To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

• nickuk 967 Posts

  Mon, May 21 2012 3:35 AM

  A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

  The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”

  “It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

  “Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”

  “No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

  “Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

  “Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

  “Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

  “No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

  The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

  “I found it.