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Golf Jokes

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Mon, Oct 17 2011 4:08 AM

   

  
  

  A couple met at Hilton Hotel and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you Jody." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker." "I see." he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball." Helen.

   

• oilyrag 875 Posts

  Mon, Oct 17 2011 4:44 PM

• SweetiePie 4,925 Posts

  Mon, Oct 17 2011 5:39 PM

  During a golf lesson, the pro advised the lady to loosen her grip. She did and he said " better" but I want it much softer. He watched and said" I want the grip to be very light, like you have a hold of your husband's dick" which she did. The pro then said " Very good idea, but what I want you to do now is to take that golf club out of your mouth" 

• Romax 1,876 Posts

  Mon, Oct 17 2011 9:24 PM

   

  2 lady golfers were behind a group of men and were waiting to tee off. They got impatient and decided they could likely never hit far enough to reach the men and decided to tee off.

  The first lady up cranked out a smoker straight at the group and one of the men dropped to his knees clutching his hands in his genital area.They rushed over to him and the lady apologized repeatidly as the poor guy lay moaning on the ground.She then explained that she was a physio  therapist and could help with a massage.The man declined and said he would be fine.After much coaxing he finely gave in and said OK. The lady gently unzipped his pants and began a very gentle massage of his privates.After several minutes of this she asked if that felt better.

  The guy looked up with a smile and said--------YES---feels great---but I still think my thumb is broken      :)     

• Romax 1,876 Posts

  Mon, Oct 17 2011 9:42 PM

  Had to read that one more than once!! I got it though-------I think !  (sort of )

• hpurey 11,505 Posts

  Wed, Oct 19 2011 12:37 PM

  A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No, I wouldn’t,” he said. She said, “I sell tampons.” With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

• frappefort 3,994 Posts

  Wed, Oct 19 2011 12:47 PM

  ilmao...good one Bob and the Pope ......helen

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Wed, Oct 19 2011 3:33 PM

  The problem with bifocals

  Bill is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Ralph just finishing his round. Bill notices that Ralph is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bill asks Ralph how he got so wet. Ralph tells the following story:

  That day, Ralph had played golf for the first time with bifocals. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc. Therefore, Ralph said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life. Bill said, "I understand that, but how did you get all wet?"

  "Well," said Ralph, "when I got to the 16th, I had to urinate awfully bad. I went into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, there were two of them also; a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it back."

  Tee Hee,

  Helen

• helen1972 347 Posts

  Fri, Oct 21 2011 2:11 PM

  Steve Wonder and Tiger Woods cross paths at a popular meeting place. Woods turns to Wonder and asks, "How's the singing career going" Steve Wonder replies, "Not too bad! How's the golf" Tiger Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." 
  
  Steve Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." 
  
  Tiger Woods says, "You play golf" 
  
  Steve Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." 
  
  And Tiger Woods asks, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind" 
  
  Steve Wonder replies, "I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." 
  
  "But, how do you putt" asks Tiger Woods. 
  
  "Well," replies Steve Wonder, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hold and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." 
  
  Tiger Woods then asks, "What's your handicap" 
  
  Steve Wonder says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." 
  
  Tiger Woods, incredulous, says to Steve Wonder, "We've got to play a round sometime." 
  
  Steve Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less then $10,000 a hold." 
  
  Tiger Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that. When would you like to play" 
  
  Steve Wonder says, "Pick a night!"